Sex is a comedy

If there were, if there was a God, he's now gone into hiding, whilst secretly watching us, like somebody playing a practical joke. He must have had a great sense of humour when he thought up sex. When do we get an updated model? The whole process is basic slapstick, more slap and stick on this site than others, but still slapstick.

MEN
First there's the idea of giving every male a built-in sex toy, a Jack-in-a-box, which goes up and down whenever you want, sometimes, when you don't want. It operates of its own accord, and sometimes when you want sex, it sulks and goes to sleep. It comes with a handy self-lubricating system, and a self-cleaning system. However, it manages to dirty his underclothes, and her sheets, and, in the case of one president of the United States, her dress, and his reputation.

WOMEN
Then there's women. From the sublime to the ridiculous - I'm talking about the design. With men, what you see is what you get. With women what you don't see is what you don't get.The most nubile women are bleeding one week in four. And have headaches. Their breasts swell up inviting men to fondle when, as far as she is concerned, the breasts are too painful to be touched. Just when her body odours are signalling come and get me, she wants to stay home. Every dog and wild animal for miles gets interested in her, although she's not interested in them. The same goes for men.

THREESOMES
Twos company, threes a crowd, when it comes to pregnancy. As soon as a man gets interested enough to have sex and make a woman pregnant she has a big balloon in front to keep him away, and vomits all over him. Believe me, this is no fun for her either. I meant no fun in the simple sense, but in so far as fun is a euphemism or accurate description of sex, what I said is right. No fun.She also bleeds with threatened miscarriages.She wants bed rest but no sex.

Then, when you think it's all over, out pops a rival, screaming all night. Monopolising her breasts. Excreting all over the bed. Making horrible smells. Dribbling all over you. And even Dad at his most demanding doesn't fall ill that often, requiring loving attention day and night. To the exclusion of somebody who thought he was older and wiser. Dad mangaged to get a women into bed with three little words, 'How About It?' Until he got outsmarted by a blob which can't talk.

You are ultra-clean, constantly washing your hands. But your rival is born dirty, smelly, rude and self-centred. You don't realise how civilised you are until you breed something born without basic common sense.You may wear dirty clothes, sleep odd hours, want food in the middle of the night, and self-centredly demand constant attention from the opposite sex, whilst giving nothing in return. But however selfish you are, you are beaten by any baby.It never washes. It burps and farts. It urinates without bothering to look for a bathroom. It even plays with itself in public, in front of its parents and grandparents. It thinks it has a right to sex regardless of who's watching.

Why did you have it? Maybe the punishment fits the crime.It's punishment for your doing all those things. And punishment for not using contraception. Yup, it's a comedy. Why is granny looking so pleased? Because she's secretly thinking, I told you so.

Menopause
Just when she fails to turn heads at parties, and finds men are looking for young girls, younger women who look younger, younger women who are capable of bearing children, a post-menopausal woman becomes available four weeks out of four. She is no longer afraid of getting pregnant. Her hormones go into overdrive. She wants sex all the time. But no man wants her. Except for men twenty years older who are bald and have prostate problems and can't get it up. You must admit it's funny. You'd be crying all the time, like babies, if you couldn't laugh at yourself, and everybody else, and find it funny.